"The bad blood slowed and turned to stone" again. I find questions aggressive. like a knife sometimes. What if I had already answered, then?

Sometimes I think that I paid a too high price for my "dreams" or better "constructed expectations". If only I had! given up on them in my entire life at least partially, now I would have more. Sometimes you have to realise that you have something indeed and accept what you have, "the best is the enemy of the good", otherwise you will lose that, too: now I am very conscious of this. For others when they deal with me it is the same.

For example, I might have accepted that the municipality of Karlsruhe paid for me (as an Italian citizen I had earned that post in Germany, after all, because Italians had not given themselves that right in Italy, yet; that was the law) and negotiate that the square meters of my apartment above the limit were paid by my parents. Or move, which was good for my privacy.

But then I think: that that compromise would not have been accepted by the counterparty. Too difficult to understand for them, much more than for me. My parents at that time were still very far from thinking that they were expected to do "a little" for me. The municipality would not have accepted that my parents added money, because they were not registered in Germany. As I asked them to register in Karlsruhe later on, they said no, because they were not very reliable and did not trust me. With those parents, there is clearly no permanent research administrator: she will qualify individually if the selection is strict, but the position will not be assigned to her, because she has no support of whatsoever family.

Then there is nothing to do: you are what you are and made no mistakes at all, you have to accept your life as it was, is and will be. You have to carry out always the same fights or nothing, if it is not convenient for you any longer. Win for others if this is not my registered job, it is fun but at 53 I will not any longer. I have to care for my Mauri, myself, our home, garden, money and and....

So "Everything's done under the Sun".

I want him to answer that "million dollar" question or "gute Frage": am I able to? But he will never answer, or not the truth and he hides.

This is easy:

This (aerobics) is much more difficult, it is a choreography, very intense for 4 minutes (more intense than running), you need breath and a very good coordination: too difficult for me. Too bad.

As usual, she has nothing to do with Alex at all, she is not her kind. This is more my kind:

But this is a true dancer, occasionally an actress in that movie; Jennifer Beals was none.

She imitates Alex, too, in the hope to become more pretty. Her drawback she said it immediately: She is not pretty. All her life: other women had better thighs, better hair, better face, better core, better clothing etc....and they were indeed "able to". At that time this made her sad: now it makes her angry. But maybe this was due to cortisol or some stupid negligence of hers or her mother's (who had the same problems), something can be done. It is a brain matter, this too.

By the way: her marks in sports were narrow C for simple (resistance) running, but went up to A when music was involved. 40 years later, she finds out that running is not the best and for her not suitable at all, because it produces cortisol. Her mark was A.

The light needs to be green, a red light is not for that person. This is the Equality of Treatment.

Many years later, this is the evolution, of course, because men have become more difficult: they prefer money all the time. 

:

She substituted the two-piece bodysuit with "fancy" underwear and wigs, and she sings too with her own powerful voice "Give me the thing that I like ohoh, put your hands on me touch touch" because he pretends not to see and also not to hear. But no black underwear: some fancy colour.

But this, no I do not like it at all. It is all wrong. Sorry: for me it is even disturbing.

I am very, very different from Alex: still this video makes me wonder, perhaps in my new profile picture we look alike. There are pictures where I have the same expression, for example the one my Mauri posted for my birthday.

Nobody feels more comfortable than me on this seat, because I have constructed it - and it cost me 15 years of fight against certain problems of Germany, the same fight my superiors carried out at their higher level, they knew better and they were right. I was treated exactly in the same way they were treated. We do not want money, we do not want fame - and we are not what we seem. Alex cannot understand this.

It would be wonderful if anybody, who sits in front of me, felt as comfortable as I do. And my Mauri is a lovely one, isn't he?

Oggi mi compiaccio di dare un voto altissimo - anche a me.

Il primo fondotinta che compro nella mia vita è Shiseido: il Synchro Skin Radiant Foundation. Dato che avevo bisogno di crema antirughe e crema solare, mi conveniva comprare un tre in uno e avere anche il fondotinta, ho risparmiato parecchio denaro. 

Eccezionale. E mi desta dei bei ricordi: io compravo dei prodotti di Shiseido 30 anni fa. Nel frattempo la qualità è molto migliorata, che quella cosa sia un fondotinta è da non crederci, posso portarlo persino io con una pelle asfittica, non dà alcun fastidio. L'unica cosa è che la prova virtuale suggeriva un colore più scuro, ma non mi sono fidata e ho scelto quello che pensavo io.

Elisa quando sceglie la prima volta non sbaglia - purché non si lasci consigliare da altri, compreso quello che vende. La cosa strana per alcuni è che lei potrebbe scegliere un fondotinta 30 anni dopo altri, perché doveva essere così. I fondotinta di allora non mi piacevano, compravo altri articoli. 

Lo consiglio assolutamente a chi ha esigenze simili alle mie: ma attenzione al colore, perché ho paura che un fondotinta di quella qualità una volta aperto non si possa restituire. Bisogna tenerselo e usarlo fino al fondo.

This song lasts 20 minutes, but if you listen to it no second of your time is wasted.

This feeling that "your bad blood slows and turns to stone" is exactly what I feel sometimes.

Your "bad blood" is everything that in your life did not go well and it could have, and suddenly somebody, who has got what you did not, reminds you about it. The points where you "were not so lucky" (I do not like this expression, because it is not about luck: you or someone else you depended upon, was not able to). That woman is taller than you, has much better hair, that man has children or the wealth that you should have too, the other "kind of" colleague got the position you should get. And in seeing them, you  literally feel a part of your blood slow down and get hard like a stone, you do not breathe any longer. You feel implacable.

Fortunately that feeling goes away. The point is not that you should be as tall as the other woman, but that you should be as compettive as the other woman ore even more, with your size. Then your blood begins to flow again and you feel much better.

Another reason is that motivations sometimes are different from what you understand at first sight. It might be the completely opposite motivation.

You should never rage, but not lose control and take your time to better understand. You will realise that the other is much closer to you - and you will not have this dreadful feeling, to be drawn down by the stone your same blood has turned to and you do not care about a single human being, only trees, plants and your stuffed gorilla.

Instead of "picking up the easy meat" she let him believe that they were in love and this pushed him through - although she was not so sure that  (1) that was the best for him, she was neutral and (2) that that was "love". This was the story.

Not like the song said until now, but nobody knows about the future.

Is it "too late to lose the weight I used to need to carry around"? Yes, my bad blood will continue to slow down and turn to stone occasionally; in these moments everybody should keep off.

This is not the point.

The point is that "me" for you is not me - because you have never seen the real person. The internet gives the impression that you can meet people everywhere but you do not meet them. It is not! true that you are invited to their home. Some take advantage of this to build fake realities.

That person might be very different from your expectations - a completely other person. Even in my everyday reality, I am not myself, I should be very different. I do not know who I am: I do not recognise myself. Sometimes it's me 100% and I am happy of it, but sometimes it is a ghost. Killed by fake realities, letters which did not come or not to the mailbox where I expected them, perhaps located in a funny place; which I would never trust. 

Are you sure, to whom you would ask your question? The question is "not good enough". 

This is not the point.

The point is that "me" for you is not me - because you have never seen the real person. The internet gives the impression that you can meet people everywhere but you do not meet them. Some take advantage of this to build fake realities.

That person might be very different from your expectations - a completely other person. Even in my everyday reality, I am not myself, I should be very different. I do not know who I am. Sometimes it's me 100% and I am happy of it, but sometimes it is a ghost. Killed by fake realities, letters which did not come or not to the mailbox where I expected them, located in a funny place; which I would never trust. 

To whom would you ask your question? The question is "not good enough". 

There is a question I would like to ask Grok - whom else? But I will not, because I do not want to know if Grok can give an answer. Maybe Grok knows, as I do not: if Grok tells me, I will know, too.

The AI collects and analyses data in the internet and for me, only what I write. And my problem is that I wonder if by any chance I am not that woman in the train instead, who smiled at John because she knew, that she will never see him again and wanted him to remember her forever. My name is not Diana, after all: it is Elisa. 

John? Did that girl on the train happen to have a stuffed teddy bear with a cap and an Adidas T-shirt?

Who ever are those girls running around with you?

Quando io mi metto in competizione con le donne più giovani perdo - e mi arrabbio. Chi è veramente competitivo si sceglie la competizione giusta, non quella sbagliata.

Non c'è una canzone su questo tema?

Chi sono quelle ragazze che hai intorno? E perché io non ho dei capelli belli come i loro, per esempio?

"Elisa, quella ragazza più bella di te, con dei capelli molto più belli dei tuoi, alzava le mani su di lui (che bestia!) e anteponeva le sue esigenze alla necessitä di lui di dormire in ufficio" dice Mauri. Lo so. tenero gorillino mio: ma ha dei capelli più belli dei miei, cosa c'entra lui? Sono 40 anni che non riesco ad avere dei capelli a posto ed è solo colpa mia non delle altre ragazze. Corti come gli uomini non mi piacciono. Quasi quasi mi compro la parrucca con il carré lungo biondo per davvero, solo per vedere se divento irriconoscibile. Poi sto in silenzio, perché se dico "Non sono meglio, sono solo diversa" mi tradisco.

About  doubtful "giveaways" to doubtful people:

https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-56402378

This story, reported by the BBC, is surreal. This man in Köln - German I guess - got to know that the CEO of Tesla. Elon Musk had organised a giveaway and thought:

"'Take the maximum' (from the giveaway), this is definitely real" 

So he sent 10 BTC,  more than half a million EUR,  to nowhere (!!!!!) and expected to get twice back, kindly given to him by Mr. Elon Musk.

Yes, it is an American habit indeed, that very wealthy people give money away. However, they usually give it to people in need, whom they meet in person and in their country.

And yes, donations might be anonymous, but to donate anonymously to someone across the ocean who can afford to send you more than half a million in a few minutes does not make any sense. A greedy and profiteering person.

Then: where does the money come from? It could be recycling. 

Then: How do you justify such an amount of money, suddenly?

Then: What if that person had other purposes?

Finally: how ever will this money be used by someone who did not earn it? The one who donates should then keep the beneficiary under control for the rest of his life, because if he or she uses that money in the wrong way, the one who donated is responsible for the consequences.

A donation is very, very problematic: to be able to help is a privilege for few and this method "giving crumbs to pigeons" is not the right one - if there is ever a right one.

99% of the times it is a fraud: but I think everybody agrees that this German man, with this attitude "take the maximum", did deserve to lose his money indeed.

I would never accept such an offer, unless one two three four..... Even if it were true, it is 10 times better to offend the generous wealthy person and reject it, because the probability that it is a fraud is incomparably higher. 

What a wonderful couple: he sleeps in the library and she in her car. For what? But I will never do it again: if I could go back I would never do it, because it was wrong. First, my Mauri deserves a comfortable bed and second: I do not care about you all any longer: your greed, your stupidity. your incompetence, your brothels, your wars. I have to convince him to organise at least a bed in a tiny room, the strict necessity: shame on him.